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I've been dating "Dave" for several months. He is very physical and works in construction.
When we visited my parents he wore a torn T-shirt and made a couple of rough comments. They immediately disliked him. My girlfriends also think I could do better. People don't see the loving person I know Dave can be. But it's my life, not theirs.
Yes, it's definitely your life. However, we all live in a community, and the opinion of others is important because we need the information from other people in order to test our own reality.
Each of us creates our own inner world of beliefs and perceptions, and an outer world of behaviors. As children, these beliefs are constantly tested in our family so that, ideally, we grow up having a pretty good sense of what's true and what isn't, what works and what doesn't.
Perhaps, therefore, your personal "reality" about Dave is distorted, not based on a clear reading of his behavior. People are telling you that his qualities don't add up to what you need from a person in order to build a long-term, fulfilling relationship, and you just don't want to admit it. To ignore this information sounds risky.
When a client asks about the qualities necessary in another person in order to build a long-term relationship, I suggest that one of the most important is for a person to be liked and appreciated by a fairly wide range of friends. This shows the ability to adjust to society, to be sensitive to the feelings and needs of others.
But you're beginning your relationship with a man who is not appreciated by your family and friends. You are beginning with an uphill struggle. Dave's behaviors might indicate that he's not flexible enough to adjust to changing situations. As time passes, he might be too emotionally dependent on you, and seek to isolate you from your family and friends.
Here's a way to test Dave's ability to adjust and accept feedback. Ask him if he's willing to wear a dressier shirt and trousers when he visits your parents. Would he be willing to admit he made a "rough" comment and apologize? If he could, it would indicate inner flexibility and willingness to please you in a small matter.
If, on the other hand, he says, Popeye style, "I yam what I yam," then you are forewarned that he will be similarly inflexible when it comes to compromising on other vital matters. The core issue is not that Dave works in construction or wears a torn T-shirt, but whether he recognizes that in order for a long-term relationship to succeed, both parties must be willing to make adjustments in style as well as substance.
This is cache, read story here
When we visited my parents he wore a torn T-shirt and made a couple of rough comments. They immediately disliked him. My girlfriends also think I could do better. People don't see the loving person I know Dave can be. But it's my life, not theirs.
Yes, it's definitely your life. However, we all live in a community, and the opinion of others is important because we need the information from other people in order to test our own reality.
Each of us creates our own inner world of beliefs and perceptions, and an outer world of behaviors. As children, these beliefs are constantly tested in our family so that, ideally, we grow up having a pretty good sense of what's true and what isn't, what works and what doesn't.
Perhaps, therefore, your personal "reality" about Dave is distorted, not based on a clear reading of his behavior. People are telling you that his qualities don't add up to what you need from a person in order to build a long-term, fulfilling relationship, and you just don't want to admit it. To ignore this information sounds risky.
When a client asks about the qualities necessary in another person in order to build a long-term relationship, I suggest that one of the most important is for a person to be liked and appreciated by a fairly wide range of friends. This shows the ability to adjust to society, to be sensitive to the feelings and needs of others.
But you're beginning your relationship with a man who is not appreciated by your family and friends. You are beginning with an uphill struggle. Dave's behaviors might indicate that he's not flexible enough to adjust to changing situations. As time passes, he might be too emotionally dependent on you, and seek to isolate you from your family and friends.
Here's a way to test Dave's ability to adjust and accept feedback. Ask him if he's willing to wear a dressier shirt and trousers when he visits your parents. Would he be willing to admit he made a "rough" comment and apologize? If he could, it would indicate inner flexibility and willingness to please you in a small matter.
If, on the other hand, he says, Popeye style, "I yam what I yam," then you are forewarned that he will be similarly inflexible when it comes to compromising on other vital matters. The core issue is not that Dave works in construction or wears a torn T-shirt, but whether he recognizes that in order for a long-term relationship to succeed, both parties must be willing to make adjustments in style as well as substance.
This is cache, read story here
